The Darkside Of A "Happy" Heart...

Look Who's Back...

2006-01-17T05:07:00.000-08:00

Its time.. I'm back.. And kicking! Weee! Been A lont ime since i last published anything in here... pretty bz lately... with a lot of stuff...well now i'm here... n i haf new plans to work twrds my new target... Gotta start doin dis now... Everything's done..Except for dis.. My parents is making a lot of noise.. "ur 21 n u dun even haf a permanent girlfriend... how r u gonna get married?!" urgh... gotta be selective now...VERY selective i mean...

but watever it is... i'm now workin my way twrds dis scorpion girl.. she's de best i ever had.. and i think it's time i secure her n make her mine... not dis early... but juz to haf it before somebody come's along n take her away... N i'm pretty sure she already haf feelings for dis other guy... but not really sure if she's giving him or herself chances...

till then... i'll be putiing new stuff in my blog... check it out sometime... outz...

Waddup!

2005-10-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

harlowz ppl... guess some of u noticed dat there were major hiccups in my blog recently... i dunno why but i think blogspot shud look into dis stuff... i haf to keep republishing my blog to make sure everything goes on smoothly... duh... watever it is... i haf a scrolling film strip on my blog! hehehahahah! check it out peeps... me gtg now... its morning shift 2moro... n another dragonboat training... urgh!

Things happened... In a short time...

2005-10-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

Wargh!!! Its de fasting mth... damn, it feels gd to be in dis holy mth... hehehe... only sum ppl will noe why... and surprise surprise... i'm in de division's dragonboat team.. de training is like "OUCH!!" my upper body feels like tearing apart... de muscles feels so sore whenever i stretch to scratch a part... but de feeling's gd... shows dat i'm keepin in shape... rather then sit ard n growing fat, might as well take up sumthing to make me look gd! (bluekz!) hehhehehe... well, today's de 1st day of fasting n de 2nd day of dragonboat training... 2moro another training... haiz... gonna be training all de way till nex tuesday... cos de competition is nex thursday! urgh... die lah... gotta go now... my body's aching all over n their begging for mercy... chaoz!

Major Edit...

2005-10-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

Hello ppl... sori no blog updates lately... bz giving my skin a makeover... how does it look now huh? Better? New songs on de playlist n de background... attention pop out before entering my blog... scrolling text... new colour... wat else? oh yeah... tag board flooded juz by 3 person... nice... i guess dats all for now... cos i've ran out of ideas... anythin for me to improve on? shout me out at my tag board aite? chaoz...

i won't see you tonite...

2005-09-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

Cry alone, I've gone away

No more nights, no more pain

I've gone alone, took all my strength

I've made the change,

I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood

All the ones around me

I cared for and loved

Building up inside of me

A place so dark, so cold,

I had to set me free

Don't mourn for me,

You're not the one to place the blame

As bottles call my name

I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood

All the ones around me

I cared for and most of all I loved

But I can't see myself that way

Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away

No more nights, no more pain

I've gone alone, took all my strength

But I've made the change,

I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.

Please don't follow me tonight

And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breathe inside

Essence left my heart tonight

Another Lie... To contain myself...

2005-09-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

she called... ask me to makan at ALIF (gombak) wif her... i deliberately told her i was broke... she said ok nvm...

wats her motive?! wat am i? sugar daddy? throw all my money on her? why didnt she look for other guys? if its abt money, muz come look for me?

money aint everything n it isnt a problem to me... those who noe me, u'll noe wat i do wif my dollar bills... those times of "i'm broke..." n "i haf no cash..." are all MEASURED n CALCULATED lies...

WHY IS SHE DOIN DIS?

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

damn dat hurts...

i did dis for a long time for a lot of reasons... she's P.O. n she shud notice...

this r de reasons:

wat she takes me as?

wat she wans from me?

wen she'll look for me?

wen does she need me?

wat does she need from me?

if ur reading dis... and IF its not true... tell me i'm wrong...

N PROVE IT...

Does she care...

2005-09-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

Does she care abt de things i did for her...

Does she care abt de time i spent wif her...

Does she care abt de money i spent on her...

Does she care abt de trouble i wen through to make her happy...

Does she care abt de late nites i walked home after dropping her...

Does she care abt de pain in my heart seeing her wif other guys...

Does she care abt ME???

Does she even noe dat...

I'm ALIVE...

Another pack of lies...

2005-09-14T13:01:00.000-07:00

why does dis haf to happen to me every time... why i'm not facing reality... i'll never get wat i want most... i'll juz haf to forget abt it... n its gonna take a very long time... n a lot of painful memories to burn that thing away... i dun haf a choice anyway... live life to de fullest... and be thankful wif wat i haf... other than that... dun even dream if sumthing i'm not gonna haf...

eeii... temporary hp...

2005-09-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

ok peeps... got myself a temporary hp... it sucks though... normal functions... juz for msging n calling... well at least i haf sumthin for me to keep in contact wif de outside world... so u guyz can contact me at 94595296... gtg now... blog again later... currently on de phone wif u-noe-who...

IN-SERVICE... URGH !!!!

2005-09-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

harlowz ppl... its my 1st off day 2day... n my ONLY off day for dis tour... cos 2moro haf to go back to werk for dis stupid in-service training... Urgh! damn i hate it...now chilling at regent wif u noe who... hmm... btw, abt my hp... its in pieces... so, dun bother calling or msging me... anything tag my blog, e-mail me, or kol my hse fone 65652293... hmm... where's de_xtreme... havent heard from her for quite sumtime oreadi... startin to miss her i guess...

argh! wats dis misssin missin... hiyah... well nothing much to say though... gtg! i'm outta here...

Let's Work It Out

2005-09-06T15:50:00.000-07:00

Oh lai kai pehla pehla pyar

Bhar kai ankhon mai khumar

Jaadu nagri pai aaya

Hai koi jadugar

Oh...Oh... yeah, yeah

So yet another day

Another fight

You break down and cry

And you swear that it's over

It seems you've pack your bags like every night

Girl I know inside

We could be so much more

But everytime the smallest thing goes wrong girl

You're out the door

You don't wanna deal with this pain anymore

Why can't you understand that somethings

Won't come easy in life

Work with me girl

It'll just take some time so...

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

Oh lai kai pehla pehla pyar

Bhar kai ankhon mai khumar

Jaadu nagri pai aaya

Hai koi jadugar

At every single point you'll turn around

Say I've let you down

That I no longer know you

How could you say to me that

I've lost my way

When you're walking away

And I'm willing to give my all...

But everytime the smallest thing goes wrong girl

You're out the door

You don't wanna deal with this pain anymore

Why can't you understand that somethings

Won't come easy in life

Work with me girl

It'll just take some time so...

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

Ones again here we go through that old procedure

You screaming its over between us but I don't believe ya

You such a diva, a drama queen

Girl why you blowing up like a Osama's been

What you want a argument well I ain't speaking

We come to far now and I ain't leaving

If we gotta problem let's get on top of it

We ain't gotta split we can conquer it

But we gotta quit over reacting

Imagine just last night we're romancing

First passion now we be clashing

I know what's happening you throw in a tantrum

As a man I'm making the first move

You know I never do nothing to blatantly hurt you

We got a situation to work through

But patients a virtue and baby it take two so

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

I'm not letting go

Yeah girl that's for sure

Won't catch me walking out

So ok let's work it out

FUUYOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

2005-09-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

wah!!!!! so long ah!!!! 23 august was de last time i entered here.... hmm... sori lah ppl... too tired n too bz... dun even haf de proper sleeping time.... my body timing is goin haywire now... i sleep wen i feel like it, n i'll be awake wen i feel like waking up... i dunno wen is nite or day... well... enuf of dat...

a lot of things been happening lately... somebody's b'day is 2moro... n i dun haf to worry cos i bought her presents last week! sheesh... its great to see sum1 u love so happy... but its only to dat extent... sum of u will understand wat i meant... for those who doesnt, try asking me... maybe i'll tell u...

i dunno wats happening to me after everything i did... my brain's telling me i'm stupid... my heart tells me to go all out... wat to do? sheesh... i'll nvr get de ans.... i dun mind.... either way, i dun gain anything... i haf learned 1 thing wif her so far.... dun expect anything in return... ouch dat hurts... well... i'll haf to get used to it...

Woah!!!!!

2005-08-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

7 days oreadi!... Now then wan to update blog... Haiz... Sorilah kawan... Bz lah... Juz woke up actually... Had the inter divisioon sepak takraw tournament at TRACOM yesterday... Kinda stupid actually... Its delta versus the gurkhas... sheesh... wat u expected, u expected rite... we lost... those gurkhas aint human! they picked up every fast ball we kick or throw at them... even aziz, the best killer we haf, had trouble taming the gurkhas... damn... wat a way to start the tournament... self-esteem very-low at the moment...
juz waiting for the nex game to boost our morale... it'll be dis thursday against TRACOM... gonna be another tough fight... rest assured we do haf a chance to win if we gif all 110% out... Yesterday was a major cock up cos there was no communication in the regu! Talk ppl! Haf fun! How can u win the game when ur all stressed up? It's not over yet... Try again... Try harder...

i'm bleeding... from de heart...

2005-08-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

had a tiff wif her yesterday nite... n damn it was painful... it continued till afternoon 2day... maybe dats de way it shud be... its against my ctrl... i dun want it to happen... but it did... remember my previous post abt de 15th of Nov? Yeah... Forget it... De party crashed even b4 it started...

wat can i do now? exactly nuthing... i'll juz play along wif my everyday life... take watever dats for me... n dun even dream for anything dats not mine... dats de best way there is for me... cos "no gain, no loss" wen somebody loses me... damn it hurts wen ppl say dat rite in ur face... its reality...

i dunno wat else i can do to make up for de mistakes i've done... maybe its juz me... born to be hated by many... de only thing i can do now is... live de life i haf to, not de way i wan to... n be de best i can...

"loved by few... hated by many... respected...

BY ALL..."

Nice?

2005-08-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

new skin for blog... holla if u here me!!!!! hehehehe very nicely done... btw, wen out n had fun 2day... wif u-noe-who... dunno why... stiil cant get n ans... de further i run away... de closer i get to her... de further she drifted away... de nearer i see her... haiz... wazzup wif dat?!

i enjoy bein wif her n there r facts of life btwn me n her dat we haf to accept... she noes dat too... n i dunno if she's rejecting it or not... onli time will tell... i dun care wat happens... if i wanna be wif her... why shud i care abt others wen others dun care abt me... i'll juz go for wat i wan...

n now... its mkn... then sleeping time! n its training 2moro... sheesh... urgh! watever... gtg... bubbye peeps...

uh....

2005-08-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

haiz... here i am again... at regent heights... wif u-noe-who... she's not herself 2day... dunno why... pretty quiet actually... urgh... tired lah... dunno why... not enuf sleep maybe... got up at 11.30am juz now... dats very early for me if i'm working nite shift... nuthing much to say though... btw ppl... i've got my hp back... can kol or msg me anytime u wan... as long as i'm not sleeping lah... kol me wen i'm sleeping... i'll screw u! 94595296... dats de number... beep me guyz! bubbyez...

Finally... Back At The Blog...

2005-08-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Hmm... Been 3 days since i last updated my blog... too tired lah... had NDP deployment last 2 days n had training yesterday... didnt get de proper rest i needed... well... dats life... u haf to make others happy but u cant make urself happy... urgh... watever can i do abt it? nothing... DUH! but NDP deployment was fun... saw ajib (LaLa's cuzzin) at de parade... n guess wat... he didnt recognise me! n i didnt even get de chance to say hi to him... it's been a long time since i last hang out wif him... btw, he's de one dat help make it happen btwn me n LaLa...

argh! dun tell me i look so different wen i'm in uniform n fully equipped... yikes... even my sec sch frens totally freaked out too wen they saw me... "why u look so garang? i tot i got de wrong person..." dats de 1st thing thet said wen i approach them... sheesh... sori guyz... itz not dat i purposely wan to look "garang" (fierce)... de uniform make me look like dat! do i haf a choice? urgh... didnt noe bein in uniform wud chase ppl away... wassup wif dat?! c'mon! i dun eat ppl... haiz... ppl will be ppl... as long as they see police, they chao... hey! wake up mangkok! if u didnt do anything wrong, run for wat? stoopeed rite?

still dunno whether she've read my blog or not... guess not lah... cos she's not done wif her exams... hope she wun freak out wen she read de posts... i wun be surprised if she freak out anyway... normal human reaction... juz haf to get ready for de worst... i'm aint ready anyway... wat can i do abt dat? love cant be forced... i'll juz haf to take watever dat comes my way n bear wif it... she'll haf her reasons for giving me de worst... i'm fine wif dat (eventhough i'm not!)... till then... this blog will always exist... juz exactly how my daily life is... the darkside of a "happy" heart...

We Belong Together...

2005-08-08T21:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself

'Cause I didn't know you
'Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling now
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
'Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby

[Chorus:]
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody there
We belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of whatI'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby

[Chorus]

[Repeat chorus]
When you left I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
Baby nobody else
We belong together

Haiz... So Jiwang Tonite....

2005-08-08T01:40:00.000-07:00

dunno wats wif me tonite... playing all de "jiwa-retak" (heart broken) songs... crying my heart out... haiz... i still cant forget her... she may not be in my everyday life anymore... but she's still sumwhere in my heart... most of de songs i played tonite reminds me of de times i had wif her... de places we hang out, de things we do, de chocolates we eat, things dat she like, bla bla... i still remember everything abt her... she'll nvr change de good things abt her... dats for sure...

15th November 2005... de day my chance to revive de good old days... dunno if i'm able to do dat... dunno if she'll allow me to do dat... but i've taken step by step... applied my leave for dat day oreadi for a start... got de best things in mind for her bithday present... hope she'll like it... juz wan her to be happy... i've hurt her enuf... its time i make up to her... i haf a long list of things dat she like to do... n i'm ready for everything... money aint everything to me... i'll gif her everything i can... juz to see her happy again...

might sound like i'm bein a desperado... seriously, i'm not... i'm juz doin all dis for her... i'm not expecting anything in return... if there is sumthing i wan in return... there's only one thing i'll ask for... i juz wan her back in my arms again... still, dats a dream come true if dat happens... i still remember wat she said to me... "i juz wan us to be frens again..." obviously i stand zero chances after she said dat... i can only tell myself one thing "loving someone means to see dat someone happy... even if it means to let her go to be wif somebody else..." its painful... but its a fact...

god help me...

only u noe de pain i'm goin thru...

if its pain dat i haf to live wif...

be it...

u noe wats best for me...

i juz wanna repent...

i realised my mistakes n i wan to make it up to her...

dun make me fail...

she's de true-love i've ever had in my 21 yrs of age...

pls help me...

amin...

draco...

2005-08-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

mystical creature of de heavens... feared by mankind...

eventhough its MYSTICAL...

YAAAWWWNNNN !!!!!!!!

2005-08-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

urgh... SO sleepy... juz got back from werk... phew... another hard day at werk... ops room was forever bz.. as usual... wow... wen was de last time i updated my blog... uh... 2 days? 3? i dunno... too bz to take note... even lonely princess is bugging me to update my blog... dunno watever for... haiz...

logged into de net, out came her blog, n voila... a new post... hmm she's gonna be out of town till 10th Aug... bla bla... n... hmm... woah... old memories... ok ok... i get it... dat guy... she wans him back... aiyayayai... gerls will be gerls... dunno wat they're up to anyway... one min she's in luv wif dis guy... de nex min she'll be all-over another guy... urgh... i hate it wen dat happens... watever lah... each to his/her own interest... as long as i'm not part of de "use-n-throw" or "take-as-u-pls, return-wen-ur-done", i'll be fine...

gotta go SLEEP now... dats S-L-E-E-P... get it... my newest n best hobby... KWA KWA KWA! dats de best thing to do... wen i sleep, i haf no problems, no pain, no heart breaks no watever SHIT i haf to face n de real world... be it "running from reality" or wat not... say wat u wan ppl... as long as i'm happy... why do i haf to care much abt others... so long ppl...

care for urself... before caring for others...

cos caring for others, wont confirm others will care for u...

if still in doubt, de grand master says... go to

S-L-E-E-P

GOOD NIGHT !!!

Uh... Wat happened today?

2005-08-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

dats de question... n de answer: nothing... i deliberately spent de whole day sleeping at home since i got back from werk... juz woke up at 8, had pizza for dinner n now i'm on de net... read sum things which i'm not supposed to... watever it is ppl r tryin to do to me... congratulations, mission accomplished... i juz cudnt be bother wif 'ppl' like them... if they call themselves 'ppl' dats is... more like animals to me... ppl r much more civilised... they haf ways of doin things... unlike sum 'ppl', do things juz for de sake of doin it... c'mon... be a CIVILISED HUMAN... DO THINGS RITE... DUN DO DE RITE THINGS... get it? think abt it...

Livin' Hell....

2005-08-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

see dis thing?... juz waiting for de exact time to use it... can't take much more...

back stabbers, bitches, gold-diggers, 'frens' (bleargh)...

rather be in hell than heaven...

see de sins... rather than see angels kill their kind...

Livin' Hell...

ARGH !!! Back to training again...

2005-08-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

damn... got to go for training today... starts at 1700 n i'm still in regent heights wif Lonely Princess... slackin ard... nuthin much to say though... werkin nite shift later n i'm sure to sleep in de office... hehehe... typical police officers... watever it is... look on de bright side... its off day 2moro n wednesday... hmm... i dunno where to go... maybe juz wait till sumbody ask me out... if nobody, i'll juz slack at regent... its my 2nd home now... heheheh.... gtg now... msg end delta standing by... hehehe... oops... dats ops room sop... watever... bubbye!

Black Magic Woman...

2005-07-31T01:25:00.000-07:00

heyya peeps... juz got back from ndp preview deployment... damn! it sucks... not gonna elaborate it.. so de freakin de tired! argh... n 2moro haf to werk morning shift... BOZO! wat can i do abt dat? nuthing... duh... police officer... extraordinary career... rite? dats wat de ad says... de fact: EXTRA werk ORDINARY pay... get it? haiz... de irony of life..

btw, abt her... i dunno if its me... or its her... normally, if i'm dead mad at sum1, i wudnt even remember how, wat, wen, where or anyhting to do wif dat person... but her... i dunno... i juz cant... i dunno why... haiz... sumthing juz cant be explained... maybe she'll explain to me... haiz... again... another irony of life... wats wif me n ironies... nvm... too tired i guess... then... i'm outta here!!!

When will all dis be over....

2005-07-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

harlowz... baby i'm back yeah... hahaha... hmm... wats been goin on lately... lotsa fight n dispute in my family... bozo... i hate it... cant they juz leave me in peace? wanna fight, go get a knife each a start killing each other... either one dies then a problem will be solved... STOOOPEEED MANGKOK! cant they juz talk things out? i'm ashamed of my parents... call them adults... but ain't behaving like one...

as for werk... nothing cud be better... had fun all nite long... hehehehe... nope... sori ppl... cant put de horny details here... dats de S.O.P for an O.S.A... hehehaha..... damn i'm bad... as for 8 hrs later... i'll haf to report for my ndp preview deployment... nice... hohoho... gonna look gd... feel gd... n get sumthing gd... chics!!!! DUH!

haiyah... guess i'm drunk here... nvm... felt gd after a long time... nobody cares, nobody gives a damn.... i live my own life... n dat sucks wen theres no sense of belonging... wat to do... if dats de way it is... then let it be de way it is... cos i aint gonna do anything abt it... why do sumthin when theres nuthin worth doin for? Juz live life to de fullest doug... i'm outz..... YAAWWNNN!!!!

Wats her motive????

2005-07-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

well.. juz got back from werk... damn its so tiring... dunno why dis morning i was kinda "soft", "mellow" n stuff like dat... haiz... maybe its juz de after-draft of "her"... read her blog... n... bingo... as i've expected, again, she did read my blog... duh... "ur blog is there for others to see, bozo..." ok ok... fine... guess i'm juz sleepy... still, i cant go to sleep yet... inuyasha n shaman king comin up on arts central later... can't miss'em...

uh... wats her motive of sayin dat in her blog? its not as if i'm sum1 special to her or sumthin... losing me as a fren wun make any effect on her aniwae... coz i'm juz a normal guy... ya noe... she role wif de big guyz... i'm a nobody... sheesh.. makin me sound like i dumped her or sumthin... c'mon... a minute she was talkin abt moving on wif life, n de other she was talking abt me not "keepint-in-touch" wif her.... ok ok... "all my fault - by fenix tx"... i apologise aite? i'm sori... to make it up...

"HELLO KHAIRUNNISA BTE ISHAK!! HOW R U??!!! EVERYHTING FINE BTWN U N MIN??!!! DUN WORI... AS LONG AS HE'S NOT ENGAGE OR ANYTHING LIKE DAT, HE'S STILL OPEN FOR BOOKING!!!!"

aite... how did dat go? nice? duh... oh yah... i forgot sumthin....

"HEY CHIC!!! BTW, DUN WORI ABT UR BIRD-DAY!!! COS UR FLINGS R SURE TO GET BACK TO U N GIF U A GD ONE!!! CHILL AITE!!! JUZ WAIT FOR IT!!! GTG NOW!!!"

ok... i'm done... damn... i sound more like ashton kutcher wen i said those things to myself... hahaha... notti notti notti... now i really gtg... inuyasha starting soon... posting again later...

adios amigos berambos!!!!

The Pain From Within...

2005-07-27T03:50:00.000-07:00

its freakin 3 in de morning n i cant sleep... went to de_Xtreme's blog n started reading... gd to noe dat she's happy... still, de happiness was juz a skin of her sadness... she was tryin hard to forget me after all dat happened... soccer, prjs, frenz, u name it she did it... everythin... juz to get rid of me... i dun blame her... i finally understand de pain dat i inflicted into her... how heartless haf i been... how selfish haf i been... i was a total jerk towards her... n very VERY immature wen handling dat situation...

i shud haf seen it coming... i left her for sum1 else... n dis sum1 else left me for another guy... retribution u may call it... i deserve it... damn rite i was bad... she wud still be mine now n nuthin cud haf gone wrong... those times we quarelled... were juz me... it had nothing to do wif her... i'd been very selfish... why werent there problems during our 1st 18mths... we were 2gether most of de time... n nuthin came btwn us... she's all dat to me... even separating to go home was a bit painful to her...

i miss all those times wif her... chocolates, soft toys, movies, everythin i did was for her... money was nuthin to me... i'd gave her de galaxy if she asked for de stars... i miss everythin... i miss her most of all... but she's gone... she's still my fren... she's too nice to me... i dumped her... but she still wans me as her fren... after all de sins i've done behind her... i dun deserve her...

"shame on u freddie... shame on u..."

wats de point cryin now... wats de point begging for forgiveness now... she trusted me too much n i cheated her... not once... twice... i ought to be sentenced to death... say wat u wan to ppl... shes de lady who make me go on my knees when i wudnt bow... i owe a lot to her... she made me de man i am today... i shud haf realise dis a long time ago... long enuf before i made de wrong choice... i've hurt her enuf...

i've said wat i haf to... n wat i want to... for all i noe... she's not gonna forgive me... i'm not her freddie... not de freddie she used to noe... nor will she acknowledge me as freddie anymore... she used my real name in MSN recently... shows how badly she wans to discard dis "freddie"... i can say nothin... she haf her reasons... written in her blog... (not de exact words)"...ur scorpio's gonna take a lifetime to forgive u if u've done a major mistake..." i wanna be in her arms again...

"Tribute to my dearest Fazilawati..."

"Your dearest Freddie u used to noe shall be hanged..."

Dipsy Love Lala

forever...

greetings from ur worst nitemare...

2005-07-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

dats me... de fellow doverites noe me as freddie.... dats de man....

2005-07-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

hmm... i dunno wats wif life nowadays... all kinds of ppl i meet everyday sum juz piss me off... is it juz me or is it they're born dat way? haiz... dis particular 'clan' in my team certainly sucks to de core dat i sumtimes wish i can shoot them wif my M85... wats wif breakin sum1's self esteem wen he/she is werking? especially wen u r handling members of public or an accused person... i juz dun get it... haiz...

speakin of de pic earlier... look at it again... shows a girl lookin at a rose n cryin blood... in other words, in my point of view... u get hurt doin nuthin juz by lookin at sum1 u love n cherish alot... juz like me... hurts me alot seeing her ard wif other guyz...haiz... i noe she's not mine... still, u get hurt lookin at sum1 u haf feelings for doin sumthin u dun like... hehehe... reminds me of my sweetheart... we were juz frens dat time... but she was damn pissed off wen she saw me smoking n disturbing other gerls... haiz... too bad she's my ex... n she belongs to sum1 else now... dunno if still attached.. haiz.. nvr mind... till then... chaoz...

Wonderful Pic

2005-07-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

nice pic? duh... taken from her blog... speakin of bein in sorrow n darkness... read de nex post to find out more abt de similarities of dis pic n me...

I smell an intruder in my premises...

2005-07-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

hehehe... guess wat... she was here... she read my blog... hahahaha.... as i've expected.... de blog add on my MSN nick wasnt for nuthing... read her blog n u'll noe wat she wrote abt me... go on... i dun CARE wat ppl write abt me... u see, i'm de bad guy in dis story... n i dun gif a damn abt it... cos there must be a hero/heroine n a villain... i'd rather be a villain... heroes die last remember? villains dun die... hahahha... haiz... everything fell into place... feels gd to noe dat ur plans r goin on as de u wans it to be... looks like i'll haf to play along n add on to de upcoming episodes... but for now... i'll juz sit back n relax... enjoy de show my fellow dark sidists...

THAT'S IT !!!!!! I'VE HAD ENUF OF DIS RUBBISH !!!!!!

2005-07-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

went on-line n saw her... tot of juz chatting like normal... unfortunately she brought up abt 'him'... we fought, bla bla bla... yada yada yada.... she talked abt priorities n sum other stuff i didnt remember... set priorities, put me aside, hook up wif my "bro", dumped him, n frens back wif me... wat does she take me as? spare tyre? nice maybe u've heard of gerls bein spare tyres... guyz? well, dis is de 1st time for sum of u... haiz... ladies, i dun understand a single bit abt them... better not... cos its not gonna make me any better... i've made up my mind... "get a grip doug... wats de use of goin after a bitch? u noe she's out wif other guyz... god noes how many... stay away... be in de darkside... safer here; where u see all de sins... rather than bein in de bright side... where u see angels... killing other angles..."

P-a-k-a-n-a-j-u-l-a-h

In de name of de darkside,

may heaven forgive me,

n still put me true hell...

Amen...

2005-07-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

back off bitches... none of u r doin any good... i'm sick n tired of relationships...

A source of a new beginning...

2005-07-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

got in touch wif dis gerl i knew 2 yrs back... surprisingly, she still remembers me... n she's still waiting for me... argh... she's sweet, caring bla bla... anythin a guy cud ask for in a gerl... but de phobia is still there... wat happens if i put too much hope n got nothing in return? juz lik wat happened between me n 'her'... i can take nothing more of dat... i dun wanna gif her de wrong idea n i'm certainly not leading her on... maybe i'll juz let time decide... n i'll try my best to turn her down as discreetly as possible... till then.... signing off....

2005-07-23T03:26:00.001-07:00

dis side of me is yet to be revealed...

Can't Sleep.. Thinkin of her...

2005-07-23T01:53:00.000-07:00

she's on-line... but she's not replying to my MSN msgs maybe she's tired... or maybe there's sum1 at home wif her now... i cant help but think of de worst... wat am i doin to myself... i'm bein too paranoid... she's not even my girlfriend... juz look wat love did to me... it changed me... to de worst side... i'm not who i used to be... i'm no more mr nice guy... where haf all my passion n my love gone to... why haf i been so cold to those ard me... but wen i'm wif her... i cud even go down on my knees if she were to ask me too... why... why does it haf to happen to me.. why...

Opening Ceremony...

2005-07-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

welcome to de darkside...

its time i unleash wat my heart held for so long... it cant hold anymore sorrow... i haf to let it out.. dis is de start of "the darkside of a happy heart"... the reasons behind those things i did every single day, to every single person... i may look juz like another normal guy... trust me... startin from dis day on... after reading my blog... u'll change ur perception towards me...